transparent moment

i am a mother.   i am a wife.  i am believer in God.  i am optimistic person.  i am a compassionate person.  i am a nurturer.  i am one who wears her emotions on her shelves.  and now add i am a mother terrified she may not have what it takes to raise her children while her hubby is deployed.

i stopped being a worrier two deployments back.  i no longer worry about my hubby’s safety and put it all in God’s hands knowing that my worrying doesno one any good.  but now i am a worrier again, well, a terrified mother of a preschooler and a baby on the way, to be honest.  i knew this go around i’d have my hands full.  but as our lil man spent 45 minutes screaming and kicking and growling and being his mother’s son because he was so overwhelmed, frustrated, upset, and just flat out being stubborn, it hit me, ‘do i have what it takes to take care of our children while my hubby is deployed?’  and as i sat there listening to our lil man cry over and over again for his daddy (his new way of trying to break me down and get out of time out), i started worrying.

what will i do when the baby comes and he is melthing down and the baby starts to cry and needs me and it’s just the three of us?

i  know God has given me patience and strength to endure this all.  and after tonight’s 45 minute utter and complete meltdown, think chernobyl times 10 or maybe even 22 times, i’m terrified.  what will i do.  how will i, a single person, be able to keep the baby safe and meet his needs while still helping our preschooler tame his feelings and mop up the remains of this meltdown?

i can already feel my body giving out as my back aches and the baby isn’t even here yet.  i can feel my emotions drained at the end of the day, sometimes even before lunch time.  i can see my patience running for the hills at times.  i can feel the warmth of the tears building and stinging as i’m ready to throw in the towel.

so what am i to do?  i still have 15 weeks or so until baby 2.2 makes his grand entrance (if he cooperates and stays put a little longer) to work on lil man’s behavior.  but knowing that g.i. joe’s departure has sent lil man several steps backwards (if not a whole 5k or so), i’m terrified that no matter how much we accomplish behavior-wise, he’ll hop, skip and run backwards and it’ll be all undone.  so all and all, i’m just flat our terrified, hoping that over the course of time i find continued strength from God and find a way to stay more than army strong.