“i’m mad at daddy”

“i’m mad at daddy!” not the words you want to hear from your three year old.  nor do you want to hear in his sad little voice, “i miss my daddy and i want him home now.”

i knew i’d hear this plenty and i will continue to hear this plenty for the coming months.  what i didn’t realize was how it would cut deep in to my heart or how tough this actually was going to be on our lil man.  the last go around he was 5wks old when our g.i. joe left and was 15 months old when we welcomed him back home.  so until the last few months, he really didn’t understand that the guy playing with the neighbor kids was the same guy that was in the computer and missing out on playing with him outside.  this time around it has been completely different.

we tried to prepare him.  we talked about how ‘daddy is going to his other office’ and how it’s really far away.  ‘it’s so far away that daddy had to take four airplanes to get to his other office.’  and we have talked about how daddy is not there because he wants to be, he’s there ‘because daddy shoots the bad guys.’  we even have a countdown until daddy comes home (at least for his 15 day break and the birth of the baby); each night lil man gets a ‘kiss’ from daddy and we are anxiously watching the jar get emptier.  and despite the map on the wall where we’ve marked where we are and where daddy is and our phone calls and web cam sessions and the recorded bedtime stories daddy ‘reads’ each night to him, nothing can fill that need for daddy to be here, now, whenever that may be.

and so, i am struggling to figure out a way for our lil man to understand it’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to be mad at daddy.  and so, we continue each day with random moments that sneak up on us filled with ‘i’m mad at daddy because he not here’ and moments filled with suddent tears and a need to be held tight in the middle of the grocery aisle or playground or where ever.  and each day we are proving to ourselves that we are more than army strong, a little at a time.

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